There is an epidemic … people leading secret lives. It causes psychological and relationship mayhem. Your innate sexuality is your birth right, however, few claim it. In fact, many struggle most of their life searching for their authentic self instead of freely enjoying their sexuality, and expressing it honestly, consensually and shame-free.
No matter how much you have struggled in the past with secretive, compulsive, unhealthy sexual behaviors, you still can learn to become sexually honest, authentic and fulfilled. Your current and future partners will be grateful you did. Galen Fous, master of transpersonal psychology (MTP), sex-positive therapist, author, educator and sex researcher, was a guest on Smart Sex, Smart Love with host Joe Kort, PhD, sexologist and psychotherapist. Galen talks about the collision of fear, shame and trauma with sexual development and desire. He encourages couples to shift from secrecy to honesty and confident expression of authentic desires. It is time to explore, share and enjoy your wildest sexual desires by releasing the wounds of shame, trauma and fear that have disconnected you from your authentic sexual self.
There is an epidemic … people leading secret lives. It causes psychological and relationship mayhem. Your innate sexuality is your birth right, however, few claim it. In fact, many struggle most of their life searching for their authentic self instead of freely enjoying their sexuality, and expressing it honestly, consensually and shame-free.
No matter how much you have struggled in the past with secretive, compulsive, unhealthy sexual behaviors, you still can learn to become sexually honest, authentic and fulfilled. Your current and future partners will be grateful you did. Galen Fous, master of transpersonal psychology (MTP), sex-positive therapist, author, educator and sex researcher, was a guest on Smart Sex, Smart Love with host Joe Kort, PhD, sexologist and psychotherapist. Galen talks about the collision of fear, shame and trauma with sexual development and desire. He encourages couples to shift from secrecy to honesty and confident expression of authentic desires. It is time to explore, share and enjoy your wildest sexual desires by releasing the wounds of shame, trauma and fear that have disconnected you from your authentic sexual self.
Unknown Speaker 0:05
Welcome to smart sex smart love. We're talking about sex goes beyond the taboos. And talking about love goes beyond the honeymoon. I'm Dr. Joe Cort. Thanks for tuning in. today's podcast is your innate sexuality being your birthright. Today I'm very happy to be talking to Galen Foose, who says your innate sexuality is your birthright. It is meant to be enjoyed, and it is meant to be expressed in an honest, consensual, shame free way. No matter how you may have struggled in the past with secretive compulsive, unhealthy sexual behaviors, or avoided sexuality altogether. You can still learn to become sexually honest, authentic and fulfilled. Your current and future partners will be grateful that you did. GALEN Foose is a sex positive therapist, author, educator and sex researcher. He lectures internationally at universities, grad schools and psychology conferences on the psychological dynamics of sexual fantasy, sexual authenticity and untangling shame, fear and trauma from sexual desire. He's on the faculty of modern sex therapy Institute's where he offers Continuing Education approved classes for therapists on kink and sex positive psychology and sexual integration therapy. GALEN helps clients move through secrecy, shame, fear and trauma toward honest embodied and competent expression of their authentic desires. His latest book, decoding your kink, the guy to explore, share and enjoy your wildest sexual desires has been praised by sexual psychologists and educators as visionary, masterful and groundbreaking a must read. He's also the author of the sharp edge of love, extreme sex, mythic passion, Primal intensity. I'm very pleased to welcome Galen first to my podcast. Welcome, Galen.
Unknown Speaker 2:02
Hey, Joe, it's great to join you. So happy to be here with you and your audience?
Unknown Speaker 2:06
Yeah, same here. So glad to have you here. And I thought before we go into the questions, people would want to know what it means when you say decoding your kink. Can you explain?
Unknown Speaker 2:17
Sure I, my promises is that everyone or not everyone, but there's a certain segment of the population that has kink oriented fantasies. And by that I mean different than friction, sex. These people who have kink oriented sexual fantasies are driven by an archetypal symbolic, mythic story driven sexuality, that story that drives them to orgasm that clicks on in their mind when they become aroused. If people have that kind of component, this is what I believe is activating this this myth of what I call fetish sexuality, actually. And so this is related to people's fantasies and their desires. And this archetypal element means that and this is often the case, as you look in the kink world and begin on a site like fetlife. You see people are in these categories, archetypal categories of their dominant or submissive Master, or slave teachers, student, dominatrix Good boy, whatever the case might be. I mean, there's a pantheon of these archetypal pairings and they are in pairs. They occur I believe this is in the gene pool is way more for people are fettered. sexuals are suddenly in this era, because of the internet able to actually pair up and find these very nuanced dimensions of their sexual desire. In the gene pool. There's others like man, some people are able to find sex partners and find relationship partners and find community in this new era.
Unknown Speaker 3:58
That's so interesting. Can you explain what fetlife is, because some of my listeners
Unknown Speaker 4:02
may not known? Well, fetlife is a Facebook for kink people, basically, you know, it's a social media site where you can put up a personal profile there with pictures and have a blog where you can write about what you're up to or what you're thinking about. And then there's other discussion groups we can join as community events in your local area about different events or educational opportunities that might be there. So it's a real full spectrum of the kink world globally.
Unknown Speaker 4:36
Yeah, so what I love about it is you don't have to give your real name you like Facebook demands? Well, I mean, I guess you could make a fake Facebook, but you can make a fake profile there. I actually have a business profile on there as well so that people can find me as a kink friendly and aware therapist. Can you say something up? I know a lot of people are going to listen to the name of your book and they're going to say, Oh, just another therapist. pathologizing kink which is not at all what you're doing. Wait, you
Unknown Speaker 5:02
know, this book is encouraging people to embrace what's true for them, whatever that is, from mild to wild in your sexuality, and to explore this wonderful opportunity. Sometimes I call it the erotic wilderness area, because it's this vast territory of our sexual psyche that people are afraid to go out into, you know, it's been to move sex, it's been the bastard of human personality for 10,000 years, probably, it's never been Welcome to the table, it's never a part of the conversations I have with your colleagues or your even your been fortunately, your partner in life, you know, people just have taught to, oh, you don't talk about things like that. And so, we have, and we don't have sex education in the country. So you know, we're really fond of pedaling along in the dark. Most people I believe me, because they really haven't come in touch with their authentic sexuality. And this is, what this book is about is a kind of a map of the wilderness area, you know, it's not a personal guide, it's not the guide, here's the guide for you it is to help you find your own path in the in this huge territory and and embrace it and to learn about it and to learn to embody it and learn to make it a gift for your partner. And that goes step by step with, if someone's ready to embrace their authentic sexuality, they're gonna instantly run into all the, what has been on for decades, in many cases, reasons they have resisted or have avoided or haven't examined it, or have been operated again, in secret. So this is the powerful part of being on our journey to become sexually authentic, is you have an opportunity to resolve unhealed shavings and traumas and wounds from the past around your sexuality that have really disconnected you from your sexuality. So this is why you mentioned sexual integration theory, a part of one of the classes I teach, and this is the whole idea of it's time to integrate our sexuality back into our everyday life in a way that's in integrity with our values, responsibilities, agreements and partnerships.
Unknown Speaker 7:22
I like what you're doing, you're kind of segwaying, the work of jack Morin, who wrote the book, the erotic mind, which I use a lot of for my work, which is that we have a non sexual narrative that contributes to or that's if you decode the sexual narrative for any of us, kink vanilla or otherwise, that is, there's a story there about yourself that you can learn more about yourself. But you've decided to make it just about kink. That's, that's your specialty area. Is that right?
Unknown Speaker 7:49
Well, that's my personal specialty, I might say I am a kink oriented man. And but my broader focuses on this idea of sexual authenticity, whatever the sexuality is, as well as integrating it back into your life. And to do that you have to address the trauma, shavings and fears that has occurred and jack Moore and that's a wonderful book, the erotic mind. But even he and this is I just published her I submitted for publication, a paper called letter sexuality and sexual orientation. Because I think it's important to establish an authentic sexuality, sexuality for divorce cases and custody house child custody, housing, employment. There's so many discriminations that occur, this is just like what, you know, the gay and lesbian community did 5070 years ago to establish this, along with taking it out of the DSM pathologizing. homosexuality. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so this is about I was even unfortunately, for more and so on that paper, I kind of push back against more and in the regard that even that theory of the core erotic themes, which was part of his model of what's happening in the sexual psyche, when people become aroused, is still looked at as almost a compensation for a pathology, or an unfortunate traumatizing of the one sexuality. In other words, it was still kind of compensating for it, but I make the case that no, you're born that way. If you there's a certain percentage that says a lot of people dabble in kink and all it's fun, I like to spice it up a little bit. But then there are a certain segment and these are the ones I call the fetish. sexuals, who this is their sexuality. This is their normal, this is their everyday life. This is what they want when they were in a partner. If this partner matches up in every way, but Oh, you're not submissive or you're not dominant or a switcher. You're not open to exploring that or not. already know, that's who you are, that's not a good match for that person. And they should, you know, and this is because they are looking for their match, you know, it's just like if you're a gay man, so who you're gonna partner with, I'd like I want to partner with a gay man, not someone who's straight, you know. So this is the same thing for kink oriented people, I believe is that, you know, this is a very specific and authentic part of them. That is integral to their wholeness and their well being and who they are. So this is Yeah, so my my promises is that there's a certain part of the gene pool. Literally, that is Korean. I like
Unknown Speaker 10:40
what you're saying, because I'm thinking to myself, that I supervised lots of students part of modern sex therapy Institute's and sometimes not even just them, I other therapists will say, Well, I'm trying to figure out how my client got to a fetish or kink place, as if it started with with vanilla or mainstream and then move to that. And I have to teach them exactly what you just said that some people are just born this way. I had a client, podcast guy who came on, he's my very first podcast, we called it the ropers. And he said that he recalled being a Boy Scout even. And he learned to tie knots. And while he was tying knots, he was aroused. And he remembers thinking, What is all this about? I didn't understand and only to become later in life, a rope or somebody who likes to tie knots and tie people up. So like you say, there are people that remember it, it's not. But I would say to that there are people as a therapist I've seen and I've worked with, and I think for me as well, who some of my childhood events have become eroticized. I wasn't born with them. I they came after, but sometimes you don't know. Because you may have been born with them, and then something happens to you. And then you get confused. What was it there before? Was it there after, then there's something for me different ways to look at this.
Unknown Speaker 11:57
Well, sexuality is incredibly complex. And we barely scratched the surface of what actually is going on, you know, from an evidence based or scientific model. And then everything is theory right now, we don't really know too much about it, because it seriously has not been really researched and studied to the extent that it should be, especially when there's so much judgment and legal, legal issues and all of the other things that push against, in claiming your birthright. And, you know, we mentioned that in the tray and lead and you know, one of my founding principles for how I work with someone is to help them understand that, Oh, this is my birthright, I really get to be this it's it's, it's my right to claim it and to stand up for it and to negotiate for it in my relationships. You know, most clients, I work with a tight relationship, when what are called erotic mismatches often. And they really, and their partner isn't into whatever they're into. And they probably even haven't talked to their partner about what they're into because they're too afraid of being shamed or ostracized or something. So the partner with the least sexuality, or at least their difference, sexuality rules, what kind of sexual aid goes on on the relationship. So that person literally is yielding, giving up sacrificing for decades, their whole, you know, they hold it back, or what happens really is when that happens, then they put it into secrecy, they're still operating it, but they, they know their partner would object. So they really don't have any choice. I mean, they have the choice of Okay, and just throw my sexuality in the closet and lock it away try to, but that's really impossible, right. But the one of the key things with my clients and couples, you know, is that you have a right to negotiate for what you want. And it's if your partner loves you, you have to trust that they will understand that they have to deal with your sexuality, like you have to deal with there. It's you know, it doesn't just go they don't like it. So they get to rule and say, well, that's the end of it. I mean, you can make a conscious choice to say, Okay, my partner is into this, I will consciously put it aside and try to find other ways to fulfill our relationship together. But for most people, that's a great sacrifice, to do something like that, and probably impossible really, what I love most young people want me just to finish this thought was just that. I really encourage people to if they're not being true or honest with themselves and their relationship to ask their partner, can we sit down I have some things that are up for me around my sexuality and I'd really like to share it with you and, and maybe you have things you'd like to share. I'd really love to hear what you are because I'd really allow us to have a fantastic sexual connection together and honest and transparent. And being able to feel that trust and intimacy, that kind of conversation would bring. This can be very powerful for people. But you do have a right to your sexuality. Yep. So
Unknown Speaker 15:10
you're doing what I did in the 90s, I used to say being LGBT was your birthright. And now you're doing for sex and fetish and kink the same thing. And I 100% agree with you that there are people that are born with their erotic orientation. And that's what we call the difference sexual orientation is to whom you're attracted to male, female, both a blend of both neither. And then you have your erotic orientation, the things that get you off that thing that brings you to orgasm, the fantasies the arousal template, and that's really what you're you're fighting for. And and I love it. It's a great edifice advocacy for people to reduce the shame. And what's really sad. And you've said this is couples don't talk about their erotic lies before they get into the relationship or they're too deep or too far gone. They've gotten married, they've gotten engaged, they have children, there's many years in and then it starts to come out because they're out of secrecy. And that's where the problems usually become, is that what you end up seeing too?
Unknown Speaker 16:08
Exactly. And this kind of weaves into our created or began using sexual integration therapy approach. Because of clients I was working with who were had been diagnosed or misdiagnosed as sex porn addicts. And were in treatment sometimes for 10 years, some of my clients have been in sex porn addiction therapy for 10 years. And it wasn't working, obviously. So you know, this is a case where, you know, to me if someone is going to sex porn, addiction therapy, and it's working for them, everything is great. And wow, that's fantastic. Well, good, good. That's great. That's the one where you should be but for those who aren't being served by the SEC support and action model, and it's really the only game in town, really, there's no other narratives out there in the mainstream media, and even in the psychological realms, really, that are not one of those field that made the bulk of it is sex porn addiction is believed to be a psychological disorder and an addiction. And it's, there's the whole billion dollar therapy industry around it, but this isn't the problem, the sex the porn someone looks at or how am I off and they looking at it or how much sex they want? isn't the issue. The issue is the cover up the secrecy of the line, the height and the being out of integrity, the risks, that one takes the responsibility and then the grave psychological harm, the person is doing themselves through that cover up and, and losing their their integrity, you know, just know that knowing that they're there. They suck right now. You know, they're they're doing things that aren't noble and true and honest. So that's the problem. That's the psychological issue is the is the secrecy and the hiding and the lying and the coverup? Not the porn someone views.
Unknown Speaker 18:11
I like what you're saying. Because what you're saying to therapists and hopefully people listening is the problem isn't what you're into. It's the secrecy. That's the therapy. Is that right?
Unknown Speaker 18:19
Yes.
Unknown Speaker 18:21
So what would you say is the answer to that? What is the approach you use to get them out of secrecy? Well,
Unknown Speaker 18:29
you know, I have a number of I have the five keys to integrating your sexuality into your life and relationships. And those are principles I start with my clients to review the Frankie's are sexual authenticity, sexual honesty, sexual empowerment, empowerment and embodiment, the sexual shadow and paradox. So I take them through those five things, you know, the authenticity is claiming your birthright, if you don't clear, you're not clear, you're right to explore and learn about your sexuality. The second one once you know, or gotta aim your ain't your direction of your sexuality, then it's now how do you be honest about it in the world. Now you have a total right to privacy. It's nobody else's business, what your sexuality is, on the one hand, on the other hand, for yourself, especially and or your intimate partners, you want to be on the path towards becoming more and more sexually honest. And to get there, then this is the idea of sexual empowerment and embodiment. This is many people, I think that their sexuality is that they're sexually disempowered. So this is a matter of taking their power back from where it has been held for decades. In other words, the part of them that says, oh, you're disgusting, or nobody's going to want you or who would want to do that or, oh, that's a sin or you're going to Hell yeah. While these embedded messages that have disempower have the power over our conscious choice, some people have avoided didn't choose what they was really true for them because of these negative messages are so powerful to make them totally terrified of taking a step, even. So this is an embodiment is about learning to be in your body and doing all the practices of movement and breath and ways to really get connected to your body and to your partner's body. So this is a big step. So these are very brief. These are can be complex, stasher parts, but briefly, then the sexual shadow is addressing all the ways if you've been hiding for decades, well, these are some pretty ingrained habits. And then you're in a con, your comfort zone is in the is in the shadowy ways of your behavior. So being out of integrity are sneaky and hiding. And so you want to really examine those and look at them in the face and really get honest about Yeah, I see where I've been, you know, so out of integrity, and I'm going to be noticing more because these are often because they're like psychological conference zones. They're almost like seamless unconscious, you're suddenly in, in the groove, you know. So if you're trying to overcome compulsive behaviors, like watching porn that's say annex sensitive, your responsibilities, and it's, you know, taking time away from things that are important that you have committed to and responsible for, then, you know, you really have to be aware of all the ways that the grooves that you've dug, that are easy to fall into, again, again, that's a little simplified, but it's just about being aware of your negative behaviors that are not serving you.
Unknown Speaker 21:49
I appreciate what you're saying. And I want listeners to hear Yes, it's being very simplified. We have like a 25 minute podcast, but your work, I have been following your work. I have your book, I've not read the whole thing yet. But I plan to and I plan to read your new book, I just think it's very, it's groundbreaking. And I like what you're saying, I never thought about jack Warren's work, I think is excellent. I will love it till the day I die. But it does tend to look more at pathology from your childhood, where you're not doing that you're saying and I read I read an article A while back from somebody who talked just this thing, and I wish I could find it. But now I found you. So you're saying it and she basically said that can you be born with a dominant personality? You know, BDSM personality with non monogamy can that can your fetishes a foot fetish or whatever be be who you are just like a sexual orientation. And people need to hear that. So they can, you know, step into it lean into it if they want and not have the shame. That's what you're doing.
Unknown Speaker 22:48
Exactly. And and this is such a pantheon of, or even, I'll say, a treasure trove of pleasure. When you open to these nuances of your sexuality, and what's normal. You know, there's so much talk about well, Is that normal? Or people worry about it. We've been Reverend does consider Oh, geez, oh, my god, no, you know, what's wrong with me? And the truth is, normal is personal. You know, it's whatever is your normal is what we want to find. Does that matter? What's nobody's else's? Right? It's not the churches, right? It's not your parents, right? It's not the teachers or another authorities or the psychological community or the religious community to tell you what your normal is. That's you get decide that's your birthright. So you get to decide that and determine that and explore that and express that in consensual negotiated ways period.
Unknown Speaker 23:41
I just love this birthright talk. I had a client recently. And he had, you know, struggled with his sexual interest. He'd liked what thinking and talking and maybe participating his wife having another man, she didn't want to actually do it. But she was happy to talk about it. So she did for a while. And they used fantasies, maybe some erotic imagery is in porn. And then eventually, she started to feel like he wanted that more than her, which wasn't true. He liked having sex with her without the erotic fantasy, but he really loved sex with her when the erotic fantasy was involved because it was his orientation. And so his work was me helping him. This is your birthright, this is your thing. Work with your wife, I brought her in which I really helped her understand. This isn't instead of her, it's in addition to her, but it is a part of him that he came into the marriage with. And then he came in one day and he said, you're never going to believe this. My last orgasm I
Unknown Speaker 24:30
had with my wife. It was so good. I my stomach hurt the next day. He started crying. And I almost started crying with him for the pleasure and the joy of embracing something. I mean, this isn't that wonderful to hear from a client.
Unknown Speaker 24:45
That's fantastic. That's exactly and next couple of blast them found their path to be able to discuss and open up and still try and build. This actually builds greater intimacy and trust when you can share these very vulnerable parts of your desire that are a little scary to speak to. Because you're also. And also, that's lubricating the relationship for your partner who might also be holding back. And suddenly you're sharing something so vulnerable. It's like, Whoa, I mean, well, I have been thinking about some things do so this can really add a lot of juice to your relationship, and also build incredible trust and intimacy to be able to share something so vulnerable like that, and have your partner open to receive that. It is like a heart melting moment, and then to achieve that depth of orgasmic pleasure and deeper into the sexual territory is really, that's the whole purpose, you know, and the pleasure of our sexuality. That's
Unknown Speaker 25:49
100%. So Galen, where can people find you online to learn more, and buy your books and
Unknown Speaker 25:54
all of that?
Unknown Speaker 25:56
Well, my website is Galen Foose, GA le n fo us calm. And there's information about my books working with me, webinars and workshops I put on. And also the personal erotic myth survey is there, which is another component of my research and work I have over 6000 participants in the discovering your personal erotic myth survey, which is a tool for an individual to take the survey, it's about 40 questions, and they can start to drill down into their sexual fantasies, but they're not quite conscious of it, and many people are not, this is why people can become active later in life because suddenly it just as they can't avoid it, but many people have avoided so they haven't really thought too much, or pay too much attention to what's actually happening when they're having sex. But the survey will help them comment on tack with many of the deeper layers perhaps of their sexuality, which is what's happened with the 6000 have taken it. And it's also a research tool that I use to explore and kind of map the sexual psyche. So and it's also that it shows that incredible, the terrible collision of shame, fear and trauma on sexual development, because so much of people's sexuality is coming to life as children and that's also the same time or they've been shamed or wounded or unfortunately even traumatized, violated by others at that time. So it's a very good this survey has revealed the incredible the incredible torment and the sexual and the human psyche from the fear of one sexuality.
Unknown Speaker 27:35
Oh, I'm definitely gonna go look into that. I hope my listeners will too. Thank you so much again for joining me on smart sex smart love Galen. And you listeners can hear more of my podcasts at smart sex smart, love calm, and you can also follow me on Twitter. I'm on tik tok, Instagram and Facebook at Dr. Joe CT. That's JO e k o r t. See you next time. Thanks for listening to this episode of smart sex smart love. I'm Dr. Joe Cort. You can find me on Joe court comm that's Jo e. k o r t.com. See you next time.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai