Smart Sex, Smart Love with Dr Joe Kort

Tylia Flores on Dating and Cerebral Palsy

May 10, 2021 Dr Joe Kort Season 1 Episode 86
Smart Sex, Smart Love with Dr Joe Kort
Tylia Flores on Dating and Cerebral Palsy
Show Notes Transcript

“For each rejection, I’m a better, stronger person.”

Tylia Flores, disability activist and advocate, was born with Cerebral Palsy. Although her condition has affected her mobility, it never has altered her determination to make a difference in the world. Through her many challenges and obstacles, she discovered a passion for writing and chose to share her life experiences with anyone who will listen. In a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Tylia talks about dating and Cerebral Palsy and the lessons she has learned as a 25-year-old sexually active wheelchairbound woman with Cerebral Palsy.

Self-love comes first, she strongly believes. It helps to deal with rejection in relationships, she has found from personal experience. Not every relationship ends like a Nicholas Sparks novel. Embrace the journey of dating and the experience of getting to know someone. It’s like layers of a cake: the first layer is trust, the second is communication and the third is love. Take your time savoring each layer.

Maintain your boundaries, she recommends. As a “one chance kind of woman,” Tylia has no place in her life for cheaters, liars and scammers. She’s been scammed on online dating sites many times and has met men who fantasize about having sex with a woman in a wheelchair. Having Cerebral Palsy makes life a little more interesting, she finds.

The world isn’t made for people like us, Tylia believes, especially when we face one obstacle after another in our life.

Everyone’s dreams can come true, even those with disabilities, she preaches loudly.

Cerebral Palsy does not define you. Life is 99 percent of how you react to challenges, and love comes in all shapes and sizes. Fall in love with yourself and keep moving forward. The rest is icing on the cake.

Unknown Speaker  0:05  
Welcome to smart sex smart love. We're talking about sex goes beyond the taboos. And talking about love goes beyond the honeymoon. I'm Dr. Joe Cort. Thanks for tuning in. today's podcast title is dating with cerebral palsy. My guest today is disability activist and advocate to Leah fluorous 25 year old to Leah was born with cerebral palsy. Although her condition has affected her mobility has never affected her will and determination to make a difference in the world. Through her many life's challenges and obstacles, she discovered her passion for writing to Leah's goal in life is to share her stories with the world. In doing so she hopes to help others with disabilities, and realize that they too have the potential to make their dreams come true. Welcome Talia.

Unknown Speaker  0:59  
Well, thank you for having me. It's such a pleasure to be here.

Unknown Speaker  1:02  
I'm so glad to have you here, and especially to talk about the topics you're bringing today, which is cerebral palsy and dating and sexuality. And let's just go

Unknown Speaker  1:12  
Yeah, let's just go. Let's just go and talk about it. Um, the reason why I decided to be on this podcast, this wonderful, amazing podcast, is because I wanted to end the stigmas of cerebral palsy in dating and try to bring awareness to it, you know, because a lot of the times it is taboo to talk about it in our community. And I don't know why. And it's okay to talk about it. So I'm happy to be here.

Unknown Speaker  1:39  
It's a good question. I've

Unknown Speaker  1:39  
thought about that, too. Like, why don't we and I think sometimes I'm just making this up. But people might be frightening to people to think that this could happen to me. So I want to dissociate myself from it. I don't what do you think of that?

Unknown Speaker  1:50  
I completely agree with you. A lot of people in the cerebral palsy community are afraid to talk about disabilities and dealing in their experience because we were told that wasn't allowed in our community back in the back in the days it was taboo for us to be involved in dating like that was never heard about.

Unknown Speaker  2:11  
That is just ridiculous. You know, when I think about that,

Unknown Speaker  2:15  
I know it's this is this is one of the main reasons why I became an advocate to like, stop the stigmas, because they're really frustrating. And it's really hard for me to get there. But I decided to take those obstacles and become an advocate for cerebral palsy for that reason.

Unknown Speaker  2:33  
So great. So you posted a video on the five myths about cerebral palsy. And obviously, you're very passionate about dispelling them. Can you briefly talk about them?

Unknown Speaker  2:42  
Well, one of them I want to talk about in particularly because if we talk about all five will be here like all games. very elaborate. Okay. Okay. So one of the stigmas one of the statements is everybody with cerebral palsy is the same. Not true. We all come in different categories. Number two, the other stigma but I always have to debunk is that everybody was CPS the same like you. Number three, what is number three people with cerebral palsy can't have a career. Number four would be people with cerebral palsy don't have life. And number five would be that people with cerebral palsy don't have the desire to be in relationships when we do.

Unknown Speaker  3:28  
Hmm. So which one? Do you want to maybe expand on?

Unknown Speaker  3:31  
The relationship? One?

Unknown Speaker  3:33  
Let's hear it. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker  3:33  
You know, when it comes to relationships, I've always drunk about the guy would get married in the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee running off and generally because I love the Dukes of Hazzard, that is my favorite.

Unknown Speaker  3:49  
for that.

Unknown Speaker  3:51  
I get that all the time. So that would be my theme to wedding and it's so it's so frustrating to hear people say I didn't think you would have the desire to date because you have this condition. You have cerebral palsy, and it would be hard for you to date and the only people you can date are people in wheelchairs. And I'm like, No, that's not true. I've dated both able bodied men and men with cerebral palsy. Do I have a preference? No, as long as the person treats me with respect? Yeah,

Unknown Speaker  4:23  
right. Right. You know, what I think you're dispelling too is when we're able bodied. We have privilege and so we don't think about what it's like to not be able bodied.

Unknown Speaker  4:33  
Yeah, I completely agree to double standard, like, people are like, Oh, well, why don't you just stick to gaming disabled people. But I'm like, that doesn't fix the problem. You're still gonna have to go through life experiences that's like only wearing a specific pair of shoes because it works for you and you're afraid to expand out.

Unknown Speaker  4:53  
It's so prejudice to say that when you said that people actually say that out loud to you.

Unknown Speaker  4:58  
Yeah, people say oh, well. The reason why I didn't work out with him is because he was able bodied and you're in a wheelchair. So I definitely see why didn't work. And I'm like, no, that's not why he just had laws that I didn't particularly like. And he didn't particularly like, but we could still be friends.

Unknown Speaker  5:18  
Absolutely. Now you do date, right?

Unknown Speaker  5:21  
Yes, I do date.

Unknown Speaker  5:22  
Do you have somebody in your life now?

Unknown Speaker  5:23  
Yes. And he has CP himself.

Unknown Speaker  5:26  
Okay. Now you so are people more comfortable of being with each other? If they have CP? Or does it not matter?

Unknown Speaker  5:34  
It doesn't matter.

Unknown Speaker  5:36  
Right, you're probably go ahead.

Unknown Speaker  5:38  
Like to me, if the man treats me with respect, and gives me respects and understands my boundaries and his boundaries, then I'm okay with that.

Unknown Speaker  5:47  
Right, right. I mean, these are about two people who fall in love, and then the rest falls together. Because you're in love and you make it work. Like I married somebody with autism. I didn't even know he had autism. I knew he was really different. But he didn't seem that different. And now when I discovered that's what it was, you don't go, Oh, well, people with autism should all be by themselves. No, I still loved him. And we made it work.

Unknown Speaker  6:09  
Yeah, no. And that's really cool, because I have an uncle that autistic so that's really cool. It's really cool. It's

Unknown Speaker  6:17  
really cool having you talk about, you know, the stuff you're talking about with the dating. And so I'm going to my next question about self love. And when it comes to having a disability, why is it so important?

Unknown Speaker  6:30  
Um, why is self love so important? I believe self love is so important. Because that's what's gonna help you prosper in the dating world. With your disability first thing, rejection should come easy. And you have to learn how to use because of your disability first power. Are you going to expect them up with you to

Unknown Speaker  6:55  
I really liked as you went out a lot, but what I heard you say is that if you love yourself, and you've got that intact, then when you met with rejection during dating, it'll hurt but it won't hurt as much because you have your own self love. Is that right?

Unknown Speaker  7:10  
Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Unknown Speaker  7:13  
I think that's good advice for any dating because there's always rejection. There's always people judging, and maybe even more so obviously, for you with having a disability.

Unknown Speaker  7:25  
Yeah, I've dealt with the juggling I've actually gotten broken up with because the person said, Hey, your disabilities too much for me and mean, this guy we met on OkCupid. And we were talking and then when we went to meet up, he's like, I can't do this your disabilities too much. But I would like to learn more about your disability and me and him. We're still friends and I send them articles here and there. Oh, I was upfront about it with him from the beginning and my CP leaving. Like I always tell people it's a Buy one get two free do it's like cereal? What do you mean by one get two free? What

Unknown Speaker  8:01  
does that mean?

Unknown Speaker  8:05  
Like, you know, when you go to the supermarket, and you get one pack of cereal, and then you get the other one for free?

Unknown Speaker  8:11  
Yeah. And what is the buy one, get two in this in this disability.

Unknown Speaker  8:17  
Okay, cuz I'm eautiful as it is, but cerebral palsy just makes my life a little bit more interesting. So that's what I

Unknown Speaker  8:25  
always say.

Unknown Speaker  8:26  
I love that. All right, great. All right. That's very well said. And you know, rejection can hurt at any point for anybody going through dating, but when you already feel like I love what you said about self love, because if you've, if you feel shame, or you feel damaged, then the rejection is going to hurt so much more. You're so right about that. What about falling in love? In terms of what the disability is that? Is it scary? I'm trying to fall in love When you know, like people might reject you?

Unknown Speaker  9:02  
Um, no, because I realize when it comes to people rejecting because of my disability and because of sometimes their ignorance, it's their loss. It's not mine. So I have definitely never been afraid to fall in love every good. Every really every relationship is different and never relationship you learn something new and you take that and you make yourself a better person you grow from it.

Unknown Speaker  9:29  
Yeah, that story about your boyfriend that you dated for a little bit. I really like it. I mean, it's unfortunate. It didn't work out but I liked it. He was honest. He said I thought I could try this. It's not working for me. It's not you. I'd like to learn more about you and the disability but I can't be in relationship with that and that probably had to hurt but it's an honest open thing that How did that feel to you?

Unknown Speaker  9:52  
I felt I felt for one thing I said you know what on so on. So this is not a total loss. I mean, mean you will always be friends. And I'll be more than happy to send you information on CP. And he's like, wow, you, I expected you to go crazy and start crying. I said, Why? You You were brought into my life for a reason. So now I'm going to take this negative movement and be an advocate and teach you right? And, you know, hopefully you learn. And if you do move someone with cerebral palsy and you do fall in love with her, let me know so that I can be remain tour, he

Unknown Speaker  10:32  
that's really big Have you tightly because a lot of people would maybe first tell them to fuck off. And then if you found someone else, then it would really hurt but you have a great attitude about this.

Unknown Speaker  10:45  
Yeah, that's not normally thing you couldn't do like dating and relationships, you're going to go through ups and downs in all relationships. But if you have a positive attitude, and you take it and you strive with it, because not every relationship is perfect. Not every relationship is going to end like a Nicholas Sparks novel. Let's cut up. That's kind of why I stopped like reading his books after a certain age because I'm like, he doesn't. He doesn't give the proper depiction of a relationship. He just shows the on the net with you. You're in love with me. But what happens after?

Unknown Speaker  11:20  
Yes,

Unknown Speaker  11:21  
absolutely. Can you talk about sexuality and cerebral palsy?

Unknown Speaker  11:25  
Oh, yeah, I can talk about that. Because I've had a very difficult journey with that, like I was a very late bloomer, like I didn't sexual craving tall was about 18. And funny story about that was I was in a relationship meeting this young man and we're together for five years and we met and I started having like orgasms and sexual cravings. So I told my mom something was wrong. I didn't tell her what it was because I had never experienced that before I was late bloomer. So we go to the doctor and the doctors like up you're in a relationship you're going through orgasms, this is fine. This is what you you need to do X y&z and if you need to masturbate, masturbate? Yes. Right. So and I just took button reset.

Unknown Speaker  12:15  
I'm going to tell you that we, as sex therapists, we Oh, sorry. Go ahead. You were going out. So I thought you were done. Keep going.

Unknown Speaker  12:25  
So yeah, so like, I just took masturbating and I embraced that. So whenever I need to masturbate. I know. It's so weird. Because when I'm in a relationship, I don't watch porn. And even when I'm not in a relationship, I don't watch porn either, because it gives me an awful good depiction of disabilities and sex. symbols in my opinion. I've tried watching wheelchair porn.

Unknown Speaker  12:51  
Yeah, tell me about that. You've tried watching wheelchair porn. Yeah, what what is you've tried watching wheelchair porn and what's come up for you?

Unknown Speaker  13:01  
I've tried watching wheelchair porn, and it was all for me because they didn't put actors in the same disability. And that's the problem in the industry is that they use these able bodied people to betray disabled people. And it's like, don't do that.

Unknown Speaker  13:18  
No, I've seen no disability porn with Yeah, do what about the bluebird? prefer the porn with the person to actually have the disability, right?

Unknown Speaker  13:31  
Yeah, with the person with the disability, I would prefer it that way. Because it gives people the proper confidence and it gives people the proper view.

Unknown Speaker  13:42  
In our sex therapy training, we have a day and a half where we watch segments of pornography. And then we stop and we talk about it because we're supposed to get desensitized, so we can help people with their sex lives and not be shocked. And the last one we did was the first time that I actually saw a man tried to masturbate himself and he had a disability so his hand was disabled, but abled enough where he could work with his other hand and still masturbate himself to orgasm. And we're all watching this it's very quiet. It was all online it was zoom and even if it was in person, or might have made it more emotional for me, I started to cry not weep, but I got tearful and I I just bumped into not feeling sorry for him. I bumped into my own privilege. Like I never thought I don't even think about it when I masturbate. I just masturbate nothing right God sorry.

Unknown Speaker  14:38  
Wait, like with me? I have to like I met like the easiest way for me to masturbate is in my shower when the waters like really, really cold. You feel the urge to masturbate with cerebral palsy you spasm. So your whole like, like, imagine your penis spasming like just feeling tight, and you just need to let out. And that's usually what I do if I need to. Okay, only once a week.

Unknown Speaker  15:09  
I love how open you are. Do you know how special that is? I mean, I think I'm a pretty open guy. And people are always blown away by it. But it's

Unknown Speaker  15:16  
because it's not natural. And it's but it's so important so that people, it's important, like, never be ashamed of your sexual desires. Never be ashamed that you want sex, because that's the problem. the disability community, too. I come across people that are like, I can't believe you wrote that article. You should be ashamed. Like, why should I be ashamed? No, like, absolutely.

Unknown Speaker  15:39  
100%. I totally agree. Because see, when people see people who are disabled, then they think that they take they want to take their sexuality away. They don't want to think about them being sexual.

Unknown Speaker  15:51  
Yeah. And it's like, why, like, we're like, the only difference about us is we pretty much do things just in a different way. And just because I am a wheelchair doesn't mean I can't have sex. Like, I only seen that sex is good for somebody with a disability, particularly mine, because it relaxes you.

Unknown Speaker  16:11  
I love that. And people need to hear that. Now. What do you think about I'm sure it happens to you or you know about it being fetishized? Somebody who's you know, fetish or kink is to be with somebody to say, Well, does that bother you?

Unknown Speaker  16:26  
Yes, it does. Because it's like, okay, so if I didn't have a disability, you wouldn't be in to me, but that's just ableism within a disability, the disability community in itself.

Unknown Speaker  16:38  
Okay. So yeah, it would be hard, because even if, what if they came to you, because I've had clients that say that they have these fantasies, they don't disrespect the person and they would even date the person, but it's also part of their sexual erotica, because the disability turns them on.

Unknown Speaker  16:56  
Would that be different? Yeah, well, then that's great if you're going to date them and get to know them, but just don't use this as a sex tween be done. Like we have emotions, too. We can be Barbie dolls.

Unknown Speaker  17:07  
Yeah, no, I appreciate you saying that. And people need to hear that. That's why I wanted to ask you that question.

Unknown Speaker  17:12  
Yeah, like, it's just one of those things. Still, that is like part of the issue in the community today is that? Why do people can take jobs? as well, that's like, that's why I stopped going on those disability online dating sites, because there was a lot of scammers from Nigeria, you know, those? And you've talked about this on your site?

Unknown Speaker  17:36  
Yes, absolutely. I have right about this. What do you mean by the scammers?

Unknown Speaker  17:42  
Like the people like okay, say for example, you're talking to somebody online and they want to sit, they want you to send them money, or

Unknown Speaker  17:53  
Oh, so you're like

Unknown Speaker  17:54  
standing there? Because you're a Well, yeah, I am targeted and I get messages all the time from these fake widows that were in the army from Nigerian that they need money. Like I've gotten all those emails, I actually, I actually got scammed by one of the guys that I was talking. He was real. He was on Skype and everything, but his parents had other motives.

Unknown Speaker  18:19  
Hmm. Wow, that's a really important thing to understand. Yeah, of course, just like, it's just I guess I'm thinking out loud. You know, just like elderly people would be scammed. That they're preying on people that seem like they're underprivileged or can't maintain themselves.

Unknown Speaker  18:37  
And what they think I can't. exactly exactly in this app. I was in this for online relationship for five years with this with this man and he had cerebral palsy, but he had another sickness and the mom knew that my family was well off. So she would access for money. And once the money stopped, she ended Thoreau. She made him in the relationship with me and I haven't heard from him since.

Unknown Speaker  19:04  
Oh, good for you. Good for her good for you taking care of that because it's awful. So tell me what kind of boundaries do you set for yourself around dating and around sex?

Unknown Speaker  19:14  
Okay, so one thing one thing with me is I'm a one chance type of girl. So let's say for example, we're in a relationship and we break up I'm not going to give that person another chance. pacifically if it's cheating or lying, I don't I don't get along with any of that. Another boundary I said is that caregivers can be involved in my relationships. Like say for example, if me and my boyfriend are fighting, I don't want his caregiver calling my caregiver and them getting involved. That's a no no, because a lot of the time when you have a disability and you start dating, the caregivers think that they could get involved and they can't. Another another boundary. I have these always communicate with me and show me SPECT

Unknown Speaker  20:02  
I like these because it'll come out really fast if they can't

Unknown Speaker  20:08  
Yes. And then another boundary I have these just just embrace the ride to

Unknown Speaker  20:17  
say more about that What do you mean?

Unknown Speaker  20:21  
Like just embrace the journey of of dating and don't or don't feel like you have to rush it because you have a disability and and you don't want to be alone for the rest of your life like yet enjoy the experiences of getting to know somebody I always say relationships are like a wedding cakes, you have your layers you have your top layer, which trust you have the middle layer which is communication and then you have the other layer which means love. If you don't have any of those two things. The cake is Bert

Unknown Speaker  20:55  
Talia, you're so wise. I wish I had been as wise as you at 25 It took me 20 years to get as wise as you after that age.

Unknown Speaker  21:05  
I hear that a lot. Yeah. So like the like cake is burnt and you don't want to burn cake. Right right. You want to good sponge boys can you gotta take your time?

Unknown Speaker  21:19  
You absolutely have to take your time. What would be some takeaway lessons you've learned about having cerebral palsy.

Unknown Speaker  21:29  
Okay, but the one lesson that I learned from cerebral palsy is that cerebral palsy does not define you, your obstacles don't define you what defines you as you as a human. The second lesson I learned is that life's an adventure, embrace it. And life is about 99% of how you react to obstacles and challenges. And when it comes to love, love comes in all different shapes and sizes and wheels in my case.

Unknown Speaker  21:58  
Yes, yes.

Unknown Speaker  22:01  
Do you think you're ever gonna? You said you're right. Where do you what do you write where people can read your stuff?

Unknown Speaker  22:08  
Oh, you can follow me on my website, www dot tylee of Flores calm. You can also follow me on on the mighty on written thought catalog, a Yahoo lifestyle as well.

Unknown Speaker  22:25  
And what about a book? Do you think you're going to write something?

Unknown Speaker  22:31  
Well, I when I was 16, I published my first book. And now I'm in the process of getting my second book edited. Why advocate? Oh, I'm in the process of doing that right now. And then I'm in the middle of writing. I'm writing a romance dating book for those with CP. So

Unknown Speaker  22:54  
that is awesome. That is awesome. Is there anything out there like that so far?

Unknown Speaker  22:59  
Man? Yeah, there's only been a few but the majority of it is autism. But I just want to take over the CPE side of dating. For sure. Yes, but it's important to as well and, you know, in linear like in the next few weeks, me and my boyfriend Joey Oh, we're launching a podcast called Stompers in love. So be on the lookout for that.

Unknown Speaker  23:26  
Why is it called Stompers and love as well?

Unknown Speaker  23:31  
Oh, because of my advocacy group is called cerebral palsy. And he wanted to incorporate that with the podcast and we usually call each other Stompers, like I call my followers Stompers. So that's what we went with.

Unknown Speaker  23:46  
Oh, why Stompers? What is the come from?

Unknown Speaker  23:52  
Oh, because because I always say despite the obstacles you face, you have to stomp on CP and I got that idea from an elephant stomping on there, man. So that's what this back here I don't know if you can Oh, yeah.

Unknown Speaker  24:05  
Okay, behind you. Is that the image?

Unknown Speaker  24:10  
Yeah,

Unknown Speaker  24:11  
I love it. I love this. Any final words you want to say to my listeners that about cerebral palsy, dating, sexuality, anything? Oh,

Unknown Speaker  24:23  
my final words would be despite the obstacles you face. You got to remember to keep on stomping. And remember when it comes to love. It comes in all different shapes and sizes and in our case, cerebral palsy. So no matter what the obstacle is in your dating world, keep going until you find that happiness, but also remember to fall in love with your show.

Unknown Speaker  24:46  
To Leah, thank you so much for joining my show and reaching out to me to do this. I think you're very brave woman. You're very passionate about what you do. You're very wise and you're like an old soul a little bit. I've admired that. So thank you.

Unknown Speaker  25:01  
Thank you so much for having me.

Unknown Speaker  25:04  
It's a pleasure to have you so this was smart sex smart love. You really are an inspiration to others who want to find love but are afraid that they'll what will happen if they take the chance. If you want to hear more about my podcasts, you can go to smart sex smart love. I'm on all the other platforms, iTunes, SoundCloud, YouTube, and you can follow me on Twitter, Tik, Tok, Instagram, and Facebook. And my handle is at Dr. Joe CT. JOEK rT thanks for listening everyone and have a safe week. See you next time. Thanks for listening to this episode of smart sex smart love. I'm Dr. Joe Cort. You can find me on Joe court comm that's Jo e. k o r t.com. See you next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai